captain jack's discovery

Hello. I am Captain Jack, and I am a man of both science and leisure. Please do not limit your opinion of my character me to either of these categories, as both principles are equally important to my life’s pursuits.

As a man of leisure, I do not work. (I must admit, I am unfamiliar with the details of how my situation is sustained – I have people for that – but I have found that not having an occupation allows me to spend my time and energy in more lofty endeavors.) During the weekdays when many people spend their time and energy laboring for others, I roam freely about my vast estate – both the apartment and the porch, and sometimes the interior hallway. Much of the time my beautiful mother is with me to assist me as I require aid, the sainted woman.

As a man of science, I devote much of my day to scientific discovery, conducting experiments on the natural world. The discovery about which I am preparing to tell you was one of my greatest. . .that is, until my beloved mother betrayed me by destroying all evidence of my work! The world may never believe the wonders that I accomplished that day, and yet I must tell you of it. It is too great for me to keep within me.

It was a warm, sunny Thursday afternoon, and I had taken my work out of doors and set up my station on the porch. I had recently become a nudist out of a principled abhorrence of diapers, and so my skin was bathed in the warm afternoon light. I was busy writing my theorems out on the porch in chalk, and my mother, knowing that I did not wish to be disturbed, sat inside with a good friend of hers who would often come over to sit and speak in their dramatic gibberish language. (Women and their “French” conversations!) They often become quite consumed in these conversations, so my mother had brought me sufficient nourishment to sustain my labors for the afternoon. She had arranged apple slices and peanut butter – all that a simple man such as myself requires.

As I worked on my theorem, my creative energies began to speak from within. They made such noises, as if they were preparing to erupt, but no brilliance emerged. I squatted near the ground and worked feverishly with the chalk, hoping to draw the creativity from me, but still my creative energies merely gathered strength, sounding their greatness like an internal thunder.

Suddenly, I felt the brilliance move within me. I paused in my labors and looked around. Mother and her friend were still inside the apartment, absorbed in whatever silly conversation they were having as the brilliance prepared to come forth.

I felt it move again, stronger, and this time I felt it pass from me, warm and wonderful from my hind quarters. I turned to look at the work I had produced, and there, sitting on the ground, was the darkest, creamiest peanut butter I had ever seen.

“Of course!” I cried. “This is the meaning of life! Nourishment! I take it in, and it sustains my labors, and then it pours forth from me! I am a creator of life!! What I take from the world, I give back – only my gifts are better!”

I knelt before the pile of my brilliance, and with both hands scooped it up and lifted it towards the sky! I kneaded it, feeling its texture beneath my fingers. I spread it before me on the porch, wishing to bathe the world in my discovery.

I turned and looked into the apartment. Mother still sat there! While I had discovered my greatness, she merely sat! How could she be so oblivious to what I was accomplishing?! I had to show her what I had done!

I scooped up a pile of the wonder that I had created, and took it in to show her. At first she smiled at me – the center of her universe come to brighten her day with pride at my latest achievement – but as her eyes fell on the substance in my hands, her smile faded to a look of horror.

She jumped up from her seat and looked down at me in disbelief. My thoughts descended into confusion. Where was the pride, the honor she should feel to have given birth to one such as myself?

“Jack!” she cried. “What have you done?!”

With one arm and the strength of a thousand men she picked me up and carried me outside. She stopped while her eyes took in the porch. My theorems covered in dark smears of my creative genius. Footprints where I had tested the strength of the substance with my feet. Flies beginning to gather at its source.

Speechless, the treacherous woman ran inside and shut the glass door behind her.

“What is this?” I thought. “How can the woman not recognize the greatness that I have wrought on this porch?! She must be mad!”

I ran to the door and pounded on it, demanding that Mother give me entry into the apartment. Her friend stood open-mouthed, staring at the brown handprints of glory my fists left behind. It must have been too much for the poor woman, because she turned and left the apartment without so much as a farewell to me, the master of the house!

Then, in the moment that sealed the fate of my discovery, Mother returned to the door, brandishing the tube of white cloths that she so often used to clean me when my discoveries had gone awry.

“No, Woman!” I screamed at her. “This is no failure! This is a success!! I have made peanut butter! Don’t you realize what I have done!”

But it was to no avail. She knelt and wiped every last trace of the glory from my hands and feet, and carried me into a hot bath. I soon forgot my troubles and began to splash, and when I emerged from the bath, I saw that my fears had been realized. She had cleansed the porch of every last streak of discovery that I had left on it. She had erased from the world my greatest contribution.

Now, don’t let my tale of loss sadden you. I have a brilliant mind, and I’m sure that I will go on to make countless new discoveries. The world will yet see what I can do.

But do not forget what I have told you this day. Too few people recognize brilliance for what it is. They look at the greatness of another and see nothing – less than nothing – human waste! Do not make this mistake. Greatness lies in the bowels of great men; never cease to expect great things, and you will never be disappointed.